California Burgerz, On a winter’s day

In a city where residents are surrounded by delicious food from cultures everywhere, it was almost controversial to hear that a burger place was opening on Bangladesh Avenue. Not just a burger place, but one that uses a Z in its name, and gives homage to the American burger mecca, In N’ Out. California Burgerz was coming.

I was very skeptical initially. Of course, being into this kind of thing, I was also very excited. And, don’t tell anyone this, but I’ve never been to In N’ Out. I know, I know. Someday.  With my traveling shortcomings and my appetite in mind, it was imperative for me to try California Burgerz as soon as possible.

CB opened in winter, inviting us to bask in their sunny California glow and take respite from the bleak Michigan landscape. As we drove the  ten or so blocks to the restaurant, we felt the warmth of California shining on us. The air pulsing with heat, humidity, hollywood boulevard, and a hint of ocean breeze. Of course, it could have just been my car’s heater finally kicking in on the wet winter day, but I choose to believe the alternative.

‘Should have brought a swimsuit’, I thought in my head, before bouncing my car into of a massive pothole and into their parking lot. Tucked away in a strip mall, California Burgerz still manages to be incredibly visible. It’s bright, tiled with a white and red checkered pattern, and very bold. Bright menus, signage, and clean surfaces sparkle at you from every angle. 50’s Rock and roll plays on the stereo, and classic fast food booth and table setup fills most of the rest of the space. I think Phil summed up the aesthetic here pretty effectively: “The halal re-imagining of a selectively nostalgic American ideal.” 

They double down on the California aesthetic with a black and white mural on the far wall, with a collage of things like the Universal studios globe, the Hollywood sign, and LAX for some reason. It could work, but the image is a little odd, and the graphic scaling means it has all sorts of pixelation. The wall next to the entrance is a million times better, being covered with pictures of burgers drawn by local kids. Not only are they amazing pictures, but their presence really show that CB is already taking steps to be a local hangout.

Everyone’s favorite thing about California – LAX.

We could get some logo ideas here.

Owner Hani Omasan, who also owns a used car lot in Hamtramck, echoed that thought when he told Metro Times he wanted to create a space for teenagers to hang out. It seems to be working so far, and brings in teenagers and families looking for a simple and good meal. Others have taken notice, too: CB has blown up in popularity since opening, getting praise from Free Press food critic Mark Kurlyandchik, Local 4 news, local food bloggers, and the Arab American News, among others. That nostalgic-but-new aesthetic is drawing people in, and the food is cementing it.

Along with their nostalgic look, the menu is simple – ten burger choices and one chicken sandwich. Sliders, big burgers, giant burgers, a veggie burger, and a turkey burger round out the choices so you can invite everyone with different dietary needs. The menu and signage note that all their burgers are cooked well done. For a pub style burger, or one at a place like Brome, that’s inexcusable. For a thin diner style patty like CB has, that’s just fine.

Collecting our bearings after braving the cold.

If you’re familiar with In N’ Out’s animal-style menu items, then you won’t be too surprised to find that CB has their “Gorilla” items instead. While they aren’t exactly the same thing- an Animal style burger at In N’ Out means a burger grilled in mustard and topped with thousand island and grilled onions, and CB does not mustard-grill their patties while switching the standard bun for a pretzel bun. The gorilla branding tells you exactly what they are aiming for, and it works. For a relatively simple menu, the Gorilla style adds a unique flair.

Ordering is quick, and after you’re given a number for your food you’ll have to wait five or ten minutes, as they make everything to order. With ten of us, our orders all came out within 15 minutes and we covered most of the menu selection. I got the double CB burger with grilled onions instead of raw, hoping for a simple burger to highlight the restaurant’s strengths. Their standard toppings include lettuce, tomato, onions, pickles, american cheese, and CB sauce, all served on a brioche bun. The CB sauce is a mayo based sauce not unlike thousand island dressing – savory and a little sweet. It a simple combination of ingredients for a simple burger.

This burger looks really nice.

I was very enthusiastic about this burger. I continue to be enthusiastic about this burger. It looked perfect wrapped in paper, and the cross section was almost as impressive. It worked well with its balance of acidity from the pickles, sweetness from the sauce, salt and umami from the patty, onions and cheese, and texture with the tomato and lettuce. There was more color in the patty than I expected, which was a nice surprise, and the meat tasted fresh, although not overflowing with flavor.

It does what it sets out to do – it’s a simple burger cooked on a flattop and combined with good ingredients, sold at a reasonable price point. As most of us can attest, it’s easy to find this type of diner burger that is dry, flavorless, and boring. CB’s burgers are juicy and filled with flavor. Their burgers emulate the In N’ Out style in a way that appeals to locals with unique dietary needs. And most importantly,they are very tasty.

The only thing that I thought was a little lacking was the bun, which was be a bit dry, and I would have preferred a potato roll to add some chew and some sweetness. Ordering the pretzel bun, which I’ve done upon returning, alleviates the issue pretty well. While I haven’t tried the bacon here, it is beef bacon, as is to be expected in a halal restaurant, and others who tried it reported it was very good.

Beyond the burgers, CB recognizes the importance of the sides, and the importance of a good french fry to pair with a burger. In their recognition of the almighty potato, they have managed to break ground on an entirely different kind of french fry. Their curvy fries, which are thick, crispy, as curvy as described, provide a crispy, salty, and spicy contrast to the burgers. On this visit, they were slightly under seasoned, which felt like eating warm chunks of boiled potato. Luckily, this isn’t always an issue, and return visits have yielded beautiful batches of these weirdo fried potatoes.

Gorilla Fries, filling and overwhelming.

check out that seasoning.

If the big curvy fries aren’t for you, they have regular fries on the menu as well, or you can opt for their Gorilla Fries, which follow the animal style formula – they’re curvy fries topped with loads of cheese, CB sauce, and grilled onions. They are absolutely packed with calories and fat, but taste great. I wouldn’t eat an order to myself unless I was having an especially gluttonous day.

They do a lot of things well here, and I’ve been back several times since my initial visit. The food is consistently good and the service is very friendly. Hani, the owner, came and talked to our group as we left, asking for suggestions and comments on the restaurant. While we might not see arcade machines taking up some of the extra space in the restaurant, I do expect to see the space evolve over time. The Hamtramck community will decide over time what California Burgerz’ place is, and I hope it remains as it is – a clean, affordable, and solid place to get a good burger with your family and friends.

Ratings:
Music Report: 50’s rock and roll, in a setting where you don’t expect 50’s rock and roll.
Burger: 4.091
Service: 4.18
Atmosphere: 4.58
Value: 4.30
Overall Rating: 4.26 <—- Our New Top Ranking!

Alexandria – “Music was really great!!” 4/5
Alex – “The water cups were the tiniest thing on planet Earth. It’s my first BC, I can’t rate it THAT high. “ 4/5
Bonnie – “We took a pic with the owner! Glad I tried the gorilla fries, but I won’t get them again unless I share with lots of people. Great burger!” – 5/5
Carl “H” – “The fries were passable. The gorilla fries were impressive looking” 4/5″
Erik – “A halal version of an American past that never existed. Patty is good, not great, but works great with the toppings on texture, ingredients, umami, and acidity from the pickles.” 4.5/5
Frank –  “I like the clean, friendly feel of the place. Tasty, decent burger.” 4/5
Jack – “Music could vary if the wait is going to be that. slow.” 4/5
Phil –  -Who are the children whose drawings adorn these walls?
-Cruisin’ Classics! Jukebox Hits! 60’s Teen Dream Rockers!
-The halal reimagining of a selectively nostalgic American ideal.
-Heavy food for teenage stomachs. Good thing it tastes good. 4/5
Summer – “Kids’ drawings on the wall were a nice added touch. Wish I had crayons. Chocolate shake was good. Tasted like Hershey’s syrup. Lacks on graphic design of logo.” 3.5/5

 

California Burgerz
12045 Conant Street
​Hamtramck, MI 48212
Mon-Sat 11am-11pm
Sun 12pm-11pm
​(313) 703-8000

Applebee’s, and a Reflection of What We Are

We went to the 8 Mile Applebees last weekend. For a blog that purports to find the best burgers in town, we went to a place not locally owned, with low critical scores, and spent our hard-earned money on food we expected would not be good.

Why? Because Applebee’s means something. Especially this one. It opened just about two years ago, in 2015, and joined the first Meijer in Detroit in making a statement about where and what Detroit is. It was symbolic – major chains were willing to move to the city, to give the people there what they were asking for, and to increase access to affordable food for families. And with the hype of the combination IHOP-Applebee’s opening near downtown, the casual dining chain with over 2000 locations continues to mean something to the city of Detroit.

While Applebee’s still has means something to Detroit, over 100 of their nationwide locations are closing soon, due to lack of consumer interest and changing market forces, like I’ve discussed in my past Shake Shack entry. Millenials just aren’t interested in what Applebee’s, TGI Friday’s, and similar restaurants have to offer.  But what are they (and we) missing out on, by turning our noses up at it?

We’ve All Been There

Applebee’s is a restaurant that I probably don’t have to describe to most of middle America. Everyone’s been there (and by there I mean any one of their 2000+ locations). During their boom in the 90s they became gathering spots in the suburban United States for families looking to get out of the house and feed their families. Most of us probably have memories of eating at Applebee’s with our families and extended families, for birthday parties and informal get-togethers.

The interchangeable nature of Applebee’s restaurants is something they heavily bank on. To pull into a restaurant, know exactly what you can order and what it will look like,  no matter where you are in the country, is a convenience and a resource for many, especially those with specific tastebuds or finicky children. Some may see it as a beacon of light amongst shady looking local diners. and the bottom line, really, is that a lot of people really enjoy it. Who are we to say that’s wrong?

While we’ve been discussing a visit for burger club since they opened, we finally got ourselves together to go. And while we might not have expected much going in, we gave it a fair shot.

Deja Vu?

It looks, unsurprisingly, like an Applebee’s. Although I haven’t been in an Applebee’s in probably a decade, it is hauntingly comforting and familiar in its layout. While this Applebee’s in particular has taken a more sparse decorating strategy than franchises may have in the past, the decor they do have is focused on Detroit high schools, universities, and sports. It’s a nice touch that really does make it feel like the restaurant gives homage to its locale, even if it is a little forced.

These spaces are well designed and marketed for ultimate comfort, in theory. The tables are far enough away from each other that conversations feel personal and you’re not encroaching upon anyone else. What we found, however, was that this setup means you have to sacrifice a bit of your own space for the comfort of everyone. The booth we sat in that looked like it would fit 8 was actually meant for 6, and even with six the table was a little too high and too close to the booth (not to mention that our table was wobbly and immediately drove me nuts). It felt cramped.

There were only two waitresses when we got there, and a ton of empty tables, as several families waited to sit down. This is understandable and I appreciate the host’s willingness to explain this. It still seemed odd, as an extra waitress at that time could have been warranted with the three families waiting for tables, and the crowd starting to pick up around 3 pm.

Our server, Lakieshia, was very nice, although she was maybe a little bored with working at Applebee’s, and did a great job. Though the service seemed a bit slow, due to the lack of waitresses, she brought us extra stuff (cups of condiments, mostly) on more than one occasion, and fixed the mistakes that occurred.

Chicken Wonton Tacos – Looked good and tasted good!

The Product

Their menu includes a number of dinner value meals, which include appetizer, two entrees (from a small list) and dessert. For $25, this is not a bad deal at all, and a couple can go all out and leave the restaurant for under forty or fifty dollars. Appetizers seem to flow freely, and three of us got free appetizers for checking in with the yelp app- coupons and specials are common in newspapers as well.

They also have a regular menu, and a burger section that runs the  gamut from classic and boring to inventive and interesting. I was very impressed with the choices: the All-day Brunch burger, which may suit the gastropub crowd,  has bacon, hash browns, and a fried egg on top; The caprese mozzarella burger has grilled tomato slices and red onion along with fresh mozzarella and basil; the whisky bacon burger has smoked bacon, crispy onions, pepper jack cheese, and Fireball Whiskey infused steak sauce.

Ok, I was impressed until I read “Fireball whiskey infused steak sauce”, and then I put my expectations in check.

Enticed and tantalized by Fireball Whiskey infused steak sauce, Sean and Scott could not resist the whisky bacon burger.

I ordered the caprese mozzarella burger, hoping to get something interesting. What I found out when I ordered, though, is that their rareness system consists of two meager and meaningless choices: pink or no pink. I understand this is a dumbed down system and it is meant to make ordering easier for folks that don’t care. However, in practice it is useless – ‘pink’ vs. ‘no pink’ seemed to have no difference for anyone in the group, pinks were less pink than no pinks, and we had folks in the group adding more adjectives onto the already bad system trying to shoehorn this abysmal system into the regular rare to well done spectrum we all know. I imagine they weren’t too surprised when their “a little pink” and “as pink as possible” didn’t yield any different results.

I might venture a guess that most eaters at this point in time know the difference between a medium rare and a well done, but even those that don’t could be guided by a simple chart on the menu with what the various degrees mean. Implementing a change like this would require the cooks to be on their game and pay attention to cooking times or temperatures, but the quality of their burgers would rise dramatically – and people tend to notice a good burger.

Burger lineup, including Alice’s sadly un-topped burger.

The Reveal

You’ll hear stories about how heavily microwaves are used in chain restaurants. I cannot confirm or deny this, but I have had friends who worked in these types of kitchens, and they claim much of the food comes packaged and ready to cook in whatever way their test kitchens deemed the most consistent. When you’re at Applebee’s, you won’t expect a fresh hand-formed patty of beef from a local meat purveyor, but they will go out of their way to make it look like it is.

The same thing is true about their appetizers. They are mostly preformed (or parcooked) things with simple recipes. That’s just fine – the wings are wings and will taste good. the wonton tacos I shared with Alice were crispy and tasty, designed to look like a lot more work went into them, and the spinach dip was exactly as described. I really can’t say anything bad about the appetizers, as they were plentiful and there are so many deals to get an appetizer for free or next to free. I also have good things to say about the fries (and sweet potato fries) that came with our burgers- they were crispy, seasoned right, and more than did the job.

The burgers? Well, don’t get your hopes up. You’ll say “yeah this is a burger” and eat it and be fine with it. But you’re not going to go home and talk about it to your friends. The price was great, again, but I’ve been to many places with far higher quality burgers at the same price point (Motor City Sports Bar, House of Shamrocks, Mt. Chalet, Redcoat, etc.). As I said earlier, the doneness levels were all basically the same, with just the slightest hint of pink for most of us, and inconsistency with what the table asked for. Disappointing. The patty was bland and underseasoned. It had a good texture and crumbled appropriately but was not incredibly juicy. The buns were incredibly sad and dry. Basically, it included all the marks of a burger purveyor that doesn’t get it.

My caprese burger was ridiculous. A bad design and a bad execution. Two stacks of one inch thick red onion slices grilled, with mozzarella on top and grilled tomato in the middle of the two stacks. WAY too much onion. One stack would have been too much! If they were half as big, I could have dealt with it. I pulled one stack off and barely made it through the other. The tomato and mozzarella worked as ingredients, but the burger still ended up dry, and I asked for some mayo to make up for it. I don’t eat that many burgers, so going out of my way for a burger like this is a true disappointment.

Alice got hers delivered without any toppings. Baffling. The waitress, to her credit, fixed it pretty quickly, but I don’t know how the mix-up occurred. Alice was sitting in front of her unadorned patty while the rest of us dug in. Bonnie ate the also ridiculous quesadilla burger, which I tried, and it delivered as expected (a burger with southwest flavors between two quesadillas) but it is maybe a holdover from the late aughts’ obsession with piling too many greasy cheesy things on top of each other and calling it good food.

Good texture. Dry bun. Bland patty.

Was it Worth it?

As usual, we had a good time and it was an interesting experience. It’s clear why some people like Applebee’s and similar chain restaurants – they have cheap prices, consistency of menus, and they are a good place to share a meal with a group of people in a very unpretentious way. I’m not going to knock anyone for that. Sala texted me after we left, and said “I Just got two coffees for price of an entree and app at applebees.” That’s not a thing to shrug off.

But it really just isn’t for me. The only thing I’d come back for, by choice, would be the cheap and good appetizers and a happy hour drink. They do that well. Their immediately recognizable and welcoming atmosphere even works on me, in some ways.

But, as it stands, their meals are just not that good. Sorry, Applebees. I’d love if it was a place that had a consistently good, even great burger, and it is absolutely not beyond the scope of this giant corporation to do that. And I’m betting that people would respond to a really good burger, without too much Millenial-focused marketing which we are accustomed to, and bored of, and doesn’t work that well. Go to Applebee’s, and if you like it, I won’t hold it against you! But I might have some other, more local suggestions for you (check the sidebar).

Ratings:

Music Report: was there even music? So generic I didn’t notice.
Burger: 2.96
Service: 4.03
Atmosphere: 3.75
Value: 3
Overall Rating: 3.322

Alice –  “I may have been too generous with this rating.” 4/5
Arthur – “Appetizers were a 5/5 because they were free” 2/5
Bonnie – “I feel good about the free app. Now I know what a quesadilla burger tastes like – I didn’t hate it.” 3/5
Erik – “I’d come for the apps, they were cheap and good. The entrees suck. This wobbly table is the worst.” 2.5/5
Sala – “Very unhappy with how cramped the booths were. Loved the apps (that they were free).” 3/5
Scott – “It works for the price. They have a snapchat filter.”4/5
Sean – “It was great to share this burger club experience with my friends and to share a 2 for 20 meal with my brother-in-law. The food and experience is what you come to expect from an Applebee’s. I ordered hot wings with blue cheese, got boneless BBQ wings with ranch.” 2/5

Applebee’s
2111 W. 8 Mile Rd.
Detroit, MI 48203
(313) 586-5980
Open 11 am- 12 am Sun-Thurs
11 am – 1 am Fri-Sat

Brayz Hamburgers: An examination of the Slider -OR- Brayzboozled: The Hazel Park Bait & Switch

What is a slider?

To the newcomer to Detroit, the vegetarian, or the uninformed, it’s a good question, and one with a lengthy history. This question is crucial to understanding our trip to Brayz, this week’s Burger Club pick. There is some contention about what a slider is, and looking to the past can give us a better way to define it. And though there’s no way I can cover everything, I can give you some basics here.

You may be familiar with White Castle, which first opened in 1921 in Wichita, Kansas. At this point in time, the public was afraid of ground beef, and for good reason. In 1906, Upton Sinclair published “The Jungle”, which detailed the terrible and disgusting conditions that took place inside slaughterhouses and meat-packing plants. The Jungle, along with other journalistic efforts,  prompted Roosevelt to sign the Food and Drug Act, create the FDA, and make conditions quite a bit safer and more sanitary.

The public, however, didn’t immediately accept that things had changed. With so much skepticism, any change had to be immediately visible – proof of cleanliness within a restaurant was a good start. White Castle did this very well – sparkling white buildings, white walls, and visibly clean kitchens that customers could see made it much more comfortable to order some ground beef. That beef was sold inside ‘slyders’, which are small, thin hamburger patties, grilled over onions, served with pickle slices on top on steamed buns. You wouldn’t buy just one – you’d need a whole bag of burgers to get a full meal.  White Castle perfected this simple creation, and the restaurant popped up all around the country, eventually becoming treasured by many Detroiters.

White Castle quickly took off, and other burger places followed their formula. White Towers, Motz restaurants, and a few other standalone burger places popped up throughout Detroit. They all carried the same hallmarks that White Castle did – sparkling white buildings, easy takeout, bags of burgers for cheap, and clean diner-style interiors. For years, they flourished.

Despite their early popularity, these burger dynasties didn’t all last. When the White Towers started to close, they changed names and ownership, but the traditions remained. You can still see many of these buildings in operation, and many of them continue to house slider restaurants. One example is Campau Tower, a favorite of Hamtramck locals.

Brayz is another one of those restaurants following in the White  Castle/Tower tradition. I’ve driven by it many times, noticed the porcelain-white walls and takeout area, marveled at the giant donkey on the roof, and ultimately decided that I would come back later. I do love sliders (don’t you?) – and we hadn’t met up in Hazel Park at all yet.

The Next Ferndale?

Hazel Park might be in the midst of a rebirth.  With Mabel Gray recently opening and Cellarmen’s taking their mead-making expertise from Ferndale, there are some great changes happening in Hazel Park. The city is poised to make a comeback, and Hazel Park has been touted by The Detroit News as Metro Detroit’s next hot neighborhood. 

“John R is the next Nine Mile,” claimed Sala, Hazel Park almost-resident, as she put in her fifth offer for a house in Hazel Park. “I can’t wait for this city to be full of shops and restaurants.” 

Bordered by Royal Oak, Ferndale, Detroit, Madison Heights, and Warren, One would reasonably suspect that Hazel Park contains aspects of all of these cities. The popular dining and shopping scenes making the media are indeed seeping in slowly. But at its heart,  Hazel Park has a sturdy working class backbone. This notion is reinforced by asking residents about their favorite places to eat and drink within the city. You’ll hear Mabel Gray and Cellarmen’s on the list, of course. However, most locals will tell you about the incredible Loui’s Pizza, their favorite sports or dive bar (like House of Shamrocks or Eddie’s), or their favorite place for cheap burgers, like today’s subject – Brayz . These local favorites all have something in common- they represent the blue collar culture that continues to pervade Hazel Park.

As it stands, Hazel Park is both its potential and its past, and may have trouble finding its identity as a destination within Metro Detroit. But right now, amidst the confusion, Hazel Park represents a sparkling opportunity for a collusion between the new and the old. The Motor City Burger Club found a perfect way to skim between the two: Picking up burgers from the working class temple of Brayz Hamburgers, and devouring them in the newly opened Cellarmen’s Meadery. This also turned out to be our biggest club meeting yet – with sixteen members showing up to eat and drink.

MCBC waits in the sun.

Yup, that’s a slider.

With the basics covered above, we have the formula for a Detroit slider restaurant: Lots of white and stainless steel on the interior and exterior, a separate takeout entrance to shield you from the elements while you wait, some stools next to a diner style bar, cash only, and pretty similar (and small) menus. But what about the slider itself?

The White Castle formula is where the slider started – and where the basic elements come from. Some people believe that any small sandwich is a slider – you’ll see chicken, pork, fish, and vegetarian “sliders” on many menus throughout the last five years.  Green Dot Stables is guilty of pushing this trend (and that’s not to say I don’t like Green Dot). But, you know what? they’re wrong.

Of course, size is a factor. But equally important is the grilled onion, the mustard, and the pickles, and arguably the old and seasoned flat top grill. One could reasonably say that Green Dot really only has one slider on their menu – the “cheeseburger”, served with onions and pickles. I wouldn’t go to a Detroit slider place and expect to get mayonnaise, tomatoes, or lettuce on my burgers, and I’m totally okay with that.  If I want a pub burger, I know where to go. When I want a slider? Well, I’m going to have to be more picky.

Burgers at the end of the tunnel.

Brayz’ burgers, without question, fit within the definition of slider. While Brayz grills their sliders in the standard way – cooking one side of the patty with a bit of a smash on a flattop, then cooking the other side on top of a small pile of grilled onions, they don’t go the Telway route of covering the burgers/buns with towels to steam. It should also be noted that Brayz never uses the term “slider” on their menu. They sell “Hamburgers” and “Cheeseburgers”. But these are small, thin patties, grilled over onions, served on small buns with pickles and optional ketchup and mustard. Sounds like a slider to me.

The rest of the menu helps to set Brayz apart from their competitors. They have some interesting shakes on their menu (pineapple, cherry, and banana; beyond the regular chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla) along with their unique “Belly Buster” burgers. The Belly Busters include 1000 island dressing, to add a sweetness and tanginess to the regular burgers.

That’s not really impressive to me; it might be to you. The shakes, however, DO interest me. Unfortunately, Their machine was broken when MCBC went to visit. If they’re worth it? I may never know.

What we found:

Because there is no steaming involved, those top buns were pretty dry. Of course, slider patties are small – and have very little moisture to lose already. Most of it goes to the flattop and the hood vent, and the small amount that remains is within the patties themselves. That leaves a negligible amount to moisten the bun.

Compounding that problem, Lindsay, Ian and Bonnie had big issues with the large size of the buns compared to the smaller patties, leaving them chewing on dry pieces of bread after all the goods were gone. They are too dry, and whatever small amount of moisture was in those patties was simply not enough for the burgers. Sala described the patties as “wafer-like”, while Jeff described his buns as “crusty”. Those are two terms I don’t want to hear to describe any kind of burger. Rough.

Many MCBC folks had issues with the cooking and the burger quality.  Notice the variance in textures and doneness of these Brayz burgers.

While Bonnie found that her Belly Buster presented more toppings to balance out the dryness, and Ian enjoyed his patty melt better than the sliders, the fundamental dryness problem remained. All burgers were all served on the same size buns- a smaller bun for smaller burgers would make sense, but this isn’t the case. The one-size-fits-all approach ultimately hurts Brayz’ credibility and burger enjoyment, and seemed to be the cause of a lot of unhappiness with our food.

The sides didn’t fare so well either – they were all rated pretty mediocre. Onion rings were more enjoyed than the French fries, but were pretty much what you’d expect. They weren’t wormy, they had a satisfying salty and crunchy exterior, they hit all the check marks of onion rings. I didn’t even save any notes on the fries – they were just fries. In retrospect, it’s actually pretty remarkable how unremarkable they were.

There is some opportunity here to try other menu items, which were pretty highly regarded by our members, and the breakfast options are admittedly a little enticing. But based on this visit, it seems like we found a slider place in which the sliders were the least enjoyed thing on the menu.

When you see those white walls and chrome counters, and smell the onions on that flat top grill, you expect a fine slider. Instead, we got some other pretty good burgers, some poor sliders, and some mediocre sides.  But was our mindset affected in other ways?

Working Class Burgers, Upper Class Brews

We ate all of our takeout orders at Cellarmen’s in Hazel Park, just a short drive away.  They have a huge space to drink, talk, eat, and enjoy. Odd and sexual art adorns the walls, small amounts of natural light flow in through high windows, and although it kind of looks like an old VFW hall in size and layout, it has a cohesive theme. We fit all of our members around one huge wooden table – and though the folks at one end couldn’t talk with the other end, it was nice to share a meal together.

Cellarmen’s only sells their own drinks. Luckily, that includes meads, beers, and ciders, all ranging from sweet to dry – so everyone can find something they like. The super friendly guys that started Cellarmen’s started out at B. Nektar, just a couple miles away, which has gained accolades across the country. They have tough competition with Schramm’s in Ferndale as well – where Ken Schramm, who is considered to be a top meadmaker in the US, sells his award winning meads. Fortunately, Cellarmen’s have stepped up to the challenge and deliver some excellent beverages.

Giant tables, great drinks.

On previous visits, I was able to talk to one of the meadmakers who described their dedication to their craft – using all fresh ingredients and no extracts whatsoever. This means hand processing tons and tons of berries, ginger, and other spices and fruits for their drinks. The results come through in the exceptionally smooth and fresh-tasting drinks such as the Hungry Girl mead (with strawberry and white pepper), the Moscow Miel (ginger and lime mead that tastes like your favorite cocktail) and the Saigon Sin cider (with Saigon cinnamon and vanilla bean).

We loved the space and the drinks, but we found that maybe that working class vibe didn’t work so well in this space. Taking the slider out of the diner environment may have been a mistake – We didn’t get the full Detroit slider experience.

The diner tables, chrome, white surfaces, and bright outside lights of a slider restaurant all combine into an inherently comfortable and nostalgic experience. That comfortability allows for more variation in food quality, and perhaps a lower expectation of the food that is being eaten. You don’t expect a whole lot from the food, but you expect to be full of salt, fat, and carbs. That’s exactly what we got from Brayz.

We became shadows of ourselves – much as our sliders were shadows of their possibilities.

In our dark hall with viking-size tables, we had different expectations. The atmosphere (and drinks) would have paired better with some light appetizers, salads, maybe some grilled salmon. Nobody would have rejected a roasted turkey sandwich with arugula and artisanal bread in that big mead hall. What we brought in, however, was a far cry from a masterfully crafted sandwich.

I’m giving Brayz the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe we were judging them a bit too harshly in our upscale environment. Either way, it seems that the staples of the past and the indulgences of the present just might not line up as well as we hope for – Old Hazel Park and New Hazel Park will need some time to figure out their relationship, much like our burgers and our mead mixed in our stomachs.

In Summary:

I don’t go out to eat burgers that much any more, so when I do I try to make it count. And when it comes down to it, there are better sliders out there. Brayz will satisfy a slider craving, even if you see it as a small hamburger rather than a slider (but if you do, you’re wrong). It’ll fill you up for a good price. You won’t feel bad about going there. But with Telway’s Madison Heights restaurant a mere 9 minutes away, you may just want to go there for their sliders, for the double-double coffee, for the steamed buns, and for their weird regulars.

I will definitely be back to Cellarmen’s. There wasn’t a complaint among us about the location, staff, drinks, or ambiance.

It’s not always possible to look to the future while appreciating the past, and this was one of those occasions. But what I took out of it? An appreciation for the finer things in life, including friends, good drinks, a sunny winter day, and an understanding of which facets of nostalgia are actually worth a damn. That’s worth even more.

Ratings:

Burger: 2.95
Service: 3.81
Atmosphere: 3.34
Value: 3.61
Overall Rating: 3.367

Alex – 3/5
Alice – 3.7/5
Alicia – 4/5
Bonnie – “My first burger was tasty. I was hungry. I enjoyed the Billy Bob with 1000 Island and a double patty, better bun to bread ratio. Not a fan of the top bun. “ 3/5
Brett – “I would eat it again in a pinch, but it was not particularly outstanding. “ 3/5
Carl – 3.65/5
David – 3/5
Erik – “The breakfast sandwiches and shakes might be good. Two sliders was enough, three was too much.” 3/5

Frank – 2.9/5
Ian – 3.8/5
Jack – 3.9/5
Jeff – “Onion rings were great
Buns were a little crusty
I like the burger.

Onions steamed nicely
I wish they were cut smaller
Long bits pull from bun.”4/5
Joe – 3.3/5
Lindsay – “Met expectations. The only problem was that  the bun was too big for the size of the patty. The onions, pickles and condiments were solid. “3.5/5
Rachel – “The onions were bitter – I wish they were cooked longer/caramelized.” 3/5
Sala – “Brayz did not alter the course of my life.” 3.6/5

Brayz Hamburgers
22941 Dequindre Rd, Hazel Park, MI 48030
(248) 542-8878

Cellarmen’s
24310 John R Rd
Hazel Park, MI 48030
(586) 413-4206

Photos by Erik and David

Redcoat Tavern Serves Up Existential Affirmation, Dejection, & Angst. Also, Burgers.

“Why Are We Here?” & “What Do I Want?” are More Than Intellectual Navel Gazing at Royal Oak’s Redcoat Tavern

by David Tibergien

 

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Approaching Redcoat Tavern northbound on a sparely developed suburban stretch of Woodward Avenue in Oakland County, I actively scanned the East and West for something that might inspire me to return to the area at a time I wasn’t hungry.

It felt obvious that even if they scored well on every other MCBC metric, Redcoat Tavern would be defined largely by its location.

The parking lot, accessed from across a roadside pumpkin/hay-bale/decorative gourd pop-up, was unusually cramped for such an uncongested part of Royal Oak.

Vehicles in Redcoat’s lot included a red Mercedes-Benz convertible, a BMW 7-Series, and premium Cadillac and Lincoln models. This had been the first clue about Redcoat’s Clientele: They are affluent and didn’t walk, either because they are too old or because the area is pedestrian-hostile.

Thanks to Google Maps, clear Mid-October weather, and a superior playlist that facilitated superb driving, I arrived nearly an hour before everyone else.

I explored the area, lurching by foot north on Woodward along an unnavigable plane of unplanned suburban sprawl.

After passing a Sprint Store, Vitamin Shoppe, Pier 1 Imports, and Potbelly Sandwich Shop, I arrived at Joe’s Army Navy, a surplus store filled with older teens and young adults piecing together Halloween costumes.

After considering that a USAF coverall flight-suit might be a great start toward masquerading as a Ghostbuster, I realized that the next generation of Ghostbusters will be women and I’m not confident I’d pull off drag.

I lost my enthusiasm and went back to Redcoat to sit at the bar.

Inside, patrons are rescued from the darkness only by an enveloping crimson glow one imagines Lucifer might use to set the mood when he wants to get laid.  Also, the glow of College Football from several large televisions. 

Quilted vinyl booths, normally seen at Italian restaurants in crime dramas starring short-fused mobsters who tip generously. (Photo by David Tibergien)

“The dark reddish hue inside was too much for me on a sunny day. It felt like being inside a casino with a lack of natural light,” said Dave, and automobile sales representative from Royal Oak.

A pair of married women free of their young children sat at the bar. They each looked as though they rode up in one of the more posh vehicles I’d noticed in the lot. They ordered burgers and particularly expensive bottles of beer some time before they were joined by their husbands.

The bartender was the sort you encounter in a high-end steakhouse: older, male, knowledgeable, and lightly conversational. After he overheard me telling Erik that I’d found Southern Tier’s Pumking to be a rare miss for the Lakewood, NY brewery, the bartender asked me if I had tried their Harvest Ale. I reported that I hadn’t, and he was ready with a sample within seconds, which compelled me to enjoy a full pint.

“It’s rare for a bartender to offer a sample without an explicit questioning,” said Erik,  Motor City Burger Club co-founder. “Especially at a bar that is not especially known for their draft list.”

When more of MCBC arrived, we were seated seven feet from the bar at fused tables.

This was slightly disappointing given the allure of Redcoat’s plush, quilted vinyl booths. This is an upholstery one usually sees at Italian restaurants in crime dramas starring short-fused mobsters who tip generously.

Unfortunately, College Football Saturday is a poor time to be picky about seating at this place. In fact, MCBC was extraordinarily lucky to eat within two-and-a-half hours of our arrival, as Redcoat is notorious for wait times so long, no food or drink is worth it.

“No Menu Is Complete Enough To Prevent Your Will From Being Thwarted By Countless, Inconceivable Antecedents” – Dave Thomas, Founder of Wendy’s.

 

It might be advisable to go to Redcoat at its busiest, because you’ll need some time to choose between: two vegan-hostile proteins, three patties, six varieties of bun, seven sauces, nine cheeses, and 12 produce toppings. Plus “blackened”, which is counted as a topping, but doesn’t fit into any category above.

Erik worked out the math, and Motor City Burger Club can verify that works out to 206,158,430,208 potential combinations. [(λ = σ²_∗/ ( σ²_η + σ²_∗)}

This might appeal to a lot of people who feel like the maximum number of choices will result in the greatest amount of satisfaction for the most amount of people. However, science tells us otherwise.

Constructing a burger from their vast, disparate choices on a poorly designed menu can take time, exhaust your creative imagination, and disrupt your executive function. In effect, Redcoat is assuring the unhappiness of it customers.

Redcoat’s Burger Menu Could Use Some Expert Document Design (Photo by Erik Mitchell)

If you don’t go into Redcoat Tavern with some idea of what you want, you may require expensive and painful mental health counseling before you can resume a normal, functioning life. But, that isn’t the only problem here.

“They do not list burger add-on prices,it just says, ‘some items have an extra charge’. As a very cheap person, this is frustrating,” said Sala, a Hazel Park Account Executive. “But they did not skimp on the ranch.”

I nearly gave up on constructing the Diable Franco Déjeuner , and capitulated to the easy choice of the Brasserie Burger, Redcoat’s signature.

With Erik’s encouragement, I saw it through. I’m glad I did, because I was able to fashion an unusual and satisfying gastric assemblage against the odds.

Ghost Pepper Cheese, Over-Medium Fried Egg, Watercress, and Bacon on French baguette.

The baguette was fresh and perfectly toasted, the ghost pepper cheese had legitimate heat, and the toppings were fresh and high quality.

Unfortunately, my satisfaction wasn’t shared by all of MCBC.

“The burger had problems with construction. It did not stay together. The bun was not toasted and the bottom bun was soggy,” said Carl, a CAD Designer from Hamtramck. “The toppings and cheese carried the burger to a favorable rating.”

The Story of Carl’s Structurally Unsound Brasserie Burger (Photo by David Tibergien)

Erik had good things to say about his Clam Chowder, which you can read in his upcoming post on this other blog.

Redcoat’s traditional burger accompaniments are split. The onion rings appeared to be prepared from scratch on premises. Erik reports that this is also true of the ranch dressing, which was popular for dipping because most of MCBC is from the Midwest.

Redcoat’s sweet potato fries were praised while their traditional fries were thin, pale, and uninteresting. However, they did allow me a generous portion of mayonnaise.

Redcoat’s Onion Rings won favorable reviews, however several of our members felt they were too salty.

“One’s burger always comes too soon or too late. And yet, burgers are there, finished: the line is drawn, and it must all be added up. You are nothing other than your burger” – Amanda, our server.

 

Before going to Redcoat Tavern, I solicited opinions from a number of people who were better acquainted. Almost everyone gave a response akin to, “Redcoat? Yeah, the food is good, but –”. And then they couldn’t finish the thought.

For me, it’s this: The food is good, but that location. Not crazy about the crowd either.

If I hadn’t brought MCBC with me, I would have contended exclusively with aging bros and their parents, wives, and children –folks who looked not only as though they were Donald Trump voters, but that they might be biologically related to him as well.

Symbolically Cutting Baby Beelzebub’s Umbilical Cord

 

It’s important to mention Motor City Burger Club rated this place very highly. The burgers themselves ranked 2/15 and an overall ranking of 3/15.

That doesn’t surprise me, because everything is good, but– I don’t think when members score on “Likelihood of Returning” that it is the same as praise for the location, which I think should be a separate metric.

However, if Redcoat’s location were a problem for most of MCBC, it would have come through the scores or their sentiment.  I think it sucks, no one else cares. Almost no one.

“The issue with the location isn’t that unusual in Metro Detroit and there are a lot of things worth going out of the way for,” said Erik. “For me, it’s not worth driving to the suburbs to wait in line for the usual 20-60 minutes for what they offer, but it’s a good place to bring my family when they visit”.

As though the place wasn’t distressing enough.

Ratings:

Burger: 4.17
Service: 4.58
Atmosphere: 3.77
Value: 3.83
Overall Rating: 4.076

 

Bonnie – 4/5
Carl – 3.75/5
Dave C – 5/5
David T – 4/5
Erik – 4/5
Sala – 4/5

Photo by Erik Mitchell

Redcoat Tavern
31452 Woodward Ave.
Royal Oak, MI 48073
(248) 549-0300

Falling Down Beer Company

Welcome back, folks! Apologies for the long hiatus, as the holidays seem to grip us into seemingly never-ending torrents of family, food, and social obligations. At the dawn of this year’s Vortex, we bring you a review from an event a couple months ago, at Warren’s Falling Down Brewery.

I was speaking to my talkative and overeager friend Sala about food, as usual, when she stated bugging me about burgers. She prodded me about Redcoat Tavern (yeah, we’ll get there eventually, we know) and some as yet unvisited places in Pontiac (though I’m not sure I can handle the long drive and sadness). Though she did make a good point – It had been a while since we got together for burgers. With her constant goading, I really had no choice but to invite her to the upcoming event. You’re welcome, Sala. She brought along her boyfriend and general good dude, Dave (who continues to give me shit about the Miller’s beatdown) as well as our friend Bonnie, who had previously suggested that we travel to Cutter’s (good recommendation!)

Although there were a ton of places on the list to go, a recent visit to some local breweries had inspired me. Amongst them, and closest, was Falling Down. I had picked Falling Down Brewery for a few reasons-

1) Their beer is great. Their Ninja Chicken Pale Ale is quality, and Suburban Home IPA is one of my favorites. Not only is it named after one of my favorite Descendents songs, but the bright citrus flavors are well balanced by pale malts. Even if the food was terrible, I’d have some fantastic beers to forget the experience with.

2) The employees and brewers are awesome – I had a chance to speak with them about their beers previously during beer festivals and at the taproom, and they were as happy as ever to talk about what they were doing.

3) Fellow beer nerds kept talking about the food – specifically the Reuben Egg Rolls and Burgers.

4) So close to Hamtramck! How could I resist?

The deal was sealed, and the date was set. We drove up to Warren and met at the restaurant. If Falling Down feels like it used to be a diner, you’re right. It used to be My Mother’s Place, a mediocre diner with an intentionally annoying name, until Falling Down bought it and opened their doors in the spring of 2013. This transition from diner to brewery and taproom might seem like a strange one, and it definitely is. The identity crisis of the space is one of the first indications of the quirky nature of their beers, food, owners and patrons. These characteristics end up being mostly to the brewery’s benefit – There is an immediate realization that things here might be a bit different upon entering. This feeling doesn’t really fade, and although I enjoy the surroundings, the problem comes when you continue to realize it after your third beer. When I felt the pangs of guilt of sitting in a Big Boy with a buzz on instead of the relaxation that comes from my favorite dive bars, I realized that my feelings of unease may be shared by others.

Some dreamcatchers, some board games, some Bonnie, and a cool fall night.

This feeling is comforted by a few factors – the service I’ve received has always been excellent. Rory served us, and was as welcoming and friendly as ever. He explained patiently and happily about the beers, the menu, and the specials (Analog Amber Ale Pints for $3!) He was replaced by another girl (to my embarrassment, I don’t remember her name), who took over gracefully and was equally as helpful. Though the population of the bar was described as a very “Warren Crowd” by the girls from Southfield, everyone was very relaxed, and families felt at ease alongside younger couples, the bachelorette party that came in, and lone drinkers.

Happy hour, flights, cheap pints, trivia? What else could you ask for?

Our ordering and decision process was harrowing and intense, as meals always are with Sala, and we ended up ordering a couple appetizers in addition to our burgers.  While we waited, we sampled the beer selection. The Green Tea IPA I ordered wasn’t really hitting the spot for me, though it definitely tasted as advertised- it was good and distinctly tea-like, but not something that I wanted a full pint of. Dave ordered the smoked pepper beer at some point, which he described as “quite meaty, almost like a salty bacon.” Despite the couple of flavored beers on the menu, their regular offerings were excellent, and the analog amber price was right on. Since they operate on such a small scale, their beer menu is constantly rotating. If there is a beer you like there, I’d recommend calling and asking if it is on tap, as the site is not always up to date.

a bachelorette party drinks next a family. Is this normal in Warren?

Out came the reuben egg rolls and fried pork belly bites. The presentation was perfect, though they were ultimately pretty small portions. The pork bites came with a side of maple mustard glaze, which paired well but was ultimately not very interesting. The pork itself was great. We all enjoyed the Reuben Egg Rolls, but Bonnie wasn’t sure they compared to the ones from the restaurant she refers to as “Asians”, an east side staple.

The menu contains a pretty short list of items, including the aforementioned appetizers, in addition to soups, salads, a kids menu, and the burgers. They do have a black bean burger on their menu, and although none of us tried it, i’d wager that it is made well. Now keep in mind that this food isn’t going to be cheap – you’re going to pay about 10-15 dollars for an entree. The burgers ranged from $9.25-$12.00, which I immediately had doubts about. It generally isn’t necessary to pay that much for a good burger (remember the low prices at Cutter’s?). However, I went forward with an open mind. Several of us got the pub burgers, and Bonnie and Sala ordered some fried chicken sliders from the specials menu in addition to a burger.

After another drink, our massive burgers came out. At least 6 inches high, these mounds of bun, meat and and toppings astonished us with their size. After a bit of smushing, they were worked into manageable bites. They were great- cooked perfectly, with a solid bun that held all the juices in without any issues. The toppings were fresh, the bacon was crispy with a bit of chew (just how I like it) and everything was appropriately portioned. This is a solid burger, folks. If you’re seeking out a good burger for cheap, this isn’t it, but the price you pay will get you something excellent. If you’ve been following our past posts, you’ll find that the score on this burger itself actually beat all the others- by a significant margin.

The burger – complete with a bit of greasy-finger lens flare.

The chips served on the side were crispy, well-seasoned, and exactly what i’d like with my burger if I’m not getting fries. The fried chicken sliders got a warm response, but not compared to the quality of the burgers or appetizers.  Then we come to the pickles. The pickles themselves were delicious (not to mention being produced on the border of Hamtramck by McClure’s), but along with them came some kind of sense of entitlement. We didn’t ask for these pickles, they were on the side, served as an extra to the actual meals that we ordered. It seems like a pretty nice thing to do, right? Apparently not. Sala and Bonnie didn’t even know their pickles existed until after they finished their burgers, and this enraged them. ‘What is the point of serving a pickle this small?’ they inquired with audible exasperation.  I shrugged, and ate my pickle. It was great.

As I write this review, I realize the folly in the fact that I haven’t been back to drink a pint, get a growler fill, or have a bite to eat. This place is a bit of a gem. Though the price for food is more than I can normally spend, and the atmosphere is a little weird, the heart and soul of Falling Down is alive and well. The menu seems solid, well-researched, and tweaked to perfection.  They make all the weird quirks work and thrive in their slightly odd environment. Don’t ask Falling Down to be anything other than what they are. Locals love the place for good reason, and a base of regulars keeps the tables filled. Though their negatives took away from the total score, I hope that Falling Down continues to be successful for years to come.

Sala’s Fortress of Bill-Paying Solitude.

Ratings:

Burger: 4.20
Service: 3.9
Atmosphere: 3.2
Value: 3.7
Overall Rating: 3.814

Erik: “Will definitely come back for beer, but food would be a special occasion. The price prevents me from making it a legitimate option.” 4.5/5

Carl: “The Gangsta Snarl” : “My baby stomach impeded my capacity for providing a proper review. DO NOT move the tables.” 3.7/5

Sala: “Would be more into it if I was a big beer fan. Not sure I will return soon, but I would recommend it. The location is out of my stomping grounds and I have an Indian restaurant nearby that I would visit first. I can only eat so much.” 3/5

D Conz: “Not a fan of the pork bites. However, the egg rolls were tasty. Loved the pretzel bun, pleasantly surprised by burger and fries, easily the highlight of the night. Definitely resembles a Wendy’s both with the outside brick and the inside layout. Next time maybe i’ll skip the “smoked pepper” beer.” 4/5

Bonnie: “First time eating a medium rare burger. I didn’t find my pickle until the end of the meal…it was hiding.” 4/5

Falling Down Beer Co.
2270 East 10 Mile Road, Warren, MI 48091
(586) 799-2739
www.fallingdownbeer.com

(photos by Erik. We need a real photographer.)

The Bronx Bar

While the first wave of the freezing winter hits us, I’d like to reflect on the mild, perfect summer we just left. The rainy autumn that lasted for about two weeks in between was not a proper send-off, and we’re left confused about where the time went and if it is really 15 degrees outside before thanksgiving (it is). During these seemingly-fabled times, MCBC got a big group together and headed to midtown – meeting amongst the Wayne State buildings, we walked over to the famed darkly-lit Bronx Bar. This bar has a history in serving good food and good beer to lots of students, getting packed during Dally in the Alley, and being a refuge from the family-oriented activities of Noel Night. We didn’t care about any of that, but used their positive reputation to ask the same question we always do: “How are the burgers?”

Situated on Second street and Prentis, across from the newly-remodeled Marcus Market, a neighborhood liquor store and taco stand (Alley Taco is set up in the back – I recommend it, but that’s a different blog), Bronx stands out – because there’s always people there, under that deco-style neon sign. They crowd on the tiny side patio, smoking cigarettes, pack the bar and dim booths with their beer and pub food, and spend long periods of time navigating the two jukeboxes, side by side, both loaded with great music. Their decor represents the best of your parents’ basement bar – metal and vinyl stools, used dark wood benches, an old arcade machine, some eclectic signage, and a well-designed wooden bar that covers the wall and wraps around the corner to the kitchen. It all goes towards helping you feel a little more at home.

MCBC was there on a Saturday afternoon, before the crowd. They had a build your own bloody mary setup near the pool table leftover from the morning and a smattering of folks chatting and drinking. We settled into the farthest back booth, where the sunlight dared to peek through one of the few darkened windows, and grabbed some beers. Their selection isn’t gigantic, but it covers most tastes – everything from craft beers, like Victory Prima Pils and Green Flash Road Warrior, to your dad’s favorite lawnmower beers, at prices you’d expect for the area. You order at the counter for drinks and food- don’t expect an enthusiastic response from staff. A mixture of apathy towards customers is kind of discouraging, but the speed was on par.

The menu, presented on one large laminated sheet, is mostly sandwiches and sides. They do include some well-lauded vegetarian selections, for your meatless friends who don’t just want to drink their meals. Their burger selection, much like Honest John’s, is represented by one menu item – The Blackout, for 8 dollars. Fortunately, this is augmented by several other add-on options, as you may want something more to add on to the mayo, lettuce, tomatoes and onions that come standard.

 

I enjoyed the burger for the most part. Ingredient quality was certainly high, and you can tell Bronx takes pride in their food. The buns, not only collected meat juices adequately, but were an excellent vehicle for the fresh vegetables, blue cheese, browned patty, and caramelized onions I ordered. My burger was a bit overdone, unfortunately, and that beige-gray color that strikes mediocre burgers was certainly present.

I did question the patty for a couple reasons – It was a bit under-seasoned, and it was pale. The cuts of meat they used were pretty lean, leading to lack of necessary fatty,salty goodness in contrast to the crunchy freshness of the toppings. I was a bit bummed, especially since the rest of the equation was excellent. Despite my misgivings, Bronx received the best ratings for burger alone so far – .02 points above Motor City Sports Bar.

 

The sides we received were delicious. Onion rings and fries were both crispy and hot. The best thing about this though, is their dill dipping sauce. You may or may not know that dill is one of my favorite things – it certainly sold me on the concept of ordering just fries or onion rings at a bar, which I am unlikely to do. If you’re not into mayonnaise or sour cream- based dressing, each table has a bottle of Heinz 57 to complement your meals. This tangy and sweet steak sauce is an excellent condiment for french fries, and I really kind of want to see it everywhere (not for steaks, of course, because that is a waste of meat).

 

Ultimately, Bronx has most of the things you’re looking for. Dark corners, comfortable and awkward layout, lots of beers, and pretty good food. Bring your parents during the day and talk about how the chairs look like the ones they finally got rid of. Bring a date at night, and use the dim setting for intimate and weird conversations. Go with your friends, and catch some hair of the dog. Whatever the scenario, you’re probably going to like it.

Ratings:

Burger: 4.08
Service: 3.98
Atmosphere: 4.09
Value: 3.56
Overall Rating: 4.00 

Erik:

The Patio’s nice
Can’t wait for my hamburger
window shades leave light
4.5/5

Carl: “The Gangsta Snarl” : “The music was loud and annoying. Mostly hip- looking people, tattooed bicycle folk. Hipsters.” 4/5

Julius Pleaser: “Food was very satisfying- a solid burger. They didn’t knock it out of the park, but it was an easy triple. I must be too old because this music is too loud.” 4/5

Frank: “Great bun, great selection of fresh toppings, average bland patty. It’s close to work and they have great sandwiches. It’s a good place to bring a lady.” 4/5

Ray: No comment. 3/5

Andy: “Nice, big burger. Great buns. Excellent jukebox.” 4/5

Janie: No comment. 4/5

Mark: “I really like Bronx bar – and I will be back.” 4 /5

Patrick:

Bronx is on second
their burgers seem to be third
‘Forth!’ friends to new eats
4/5

Bronx Bar
4476 2nd Ave.
Detroit, MI 48201
(313) 832-8464

(Photo Credits: Erik)

Miller’s Dive-Themed Family Restaurant

Dive Bar Service, Chain Restaurant Food, Farm-To-Table Prices.

(another post from David! Hopefully we see more of his stuff up here soon. -Erik)

House Of Swill Repute

Miller’s Bar makes a lot of “Best Of” burger lists, but don’t drink the Kool-Aid. On second thought, if they put Kool-Aid on the menu, order it, because it is probably more satisfying than their beer selection.

Miller’s is a family restaurant trying to live up to a theme, like Bubba Gump’s or Dick’s, only the people who run Miller’s are real-life slow-witted assholes.

Everyone should appreciate a clean restaurant. After all, restrooms stenched with urine, tables carved with swastikas, and the high probability of being challenged to a fight in the parking lot doesn’tnecessarily make a dining experience better.

However, Miller’s Bar isn’t what it says it is and the aesthetic was the first sign that they weren’t going to live up to their embellished reputation.

Though Miller’s calls itself a dive bar*, the inside better resembles an Airport TGIFridays.  This was probably comfortable and preferable for the white haired boomer on his Bluetooth ignoring his family and the zip-fleece adorned couple with an infant seated in a high-chair.

Scott and Michelle find some kind of spirituality.

The Eight Tops

The server who seated Kara and I was amenable, helping us fuse two four-top tables for the eight people due to attend. Unfortunately, she was at the end of her shift and the server who replaced her perfectly embodied Miller’s Bar’s smug discourteousness and unjustified sense of self-importance.

Server #2 crassly listed Miller’s few menu items, apparently prideful about its limitations in her embittered and gravelly voice, as though to say, “why don’t you know this already?”.

Carl thinks he sees it too.

Inglorious Beerstards

Even dive bars in Michigan have a Michigan beer on tap, especially in Metro Detroit.

Unfortunately, the only draft Miller’s offers (that isn’t more popularly consumed while camping with your Confederate Flag apologist redneck uncle) was a Leinenkugel Snowdrift Vanilla Porter.  I suppose that is pretty divey, but by that same token the Novi Red Lobster is also a dive bar.

To Miller’s discredit, Finley’s American Grill, a small chain of family steak restaurants in Michigan, offers a better selection of Michigan Craft Beer. Even by family restaurant standards, Miller’s fails at beer.

Modestly redeemed, Miller’s Family Restaurant offered Bell’s seasonal Winter White Ale in bottles, which is served alongside a very tiny glass that encourages savoring.This is a principle I normally welcome, but one better enjoyed with a view of Piazza San Marco orthe 8th arrondissement and feels somewhat incompatible with a large television showing an NFL Playoff game in a Dearborn Family Restaurant. Also, you need to get a buzz on to tolerate the servers and clientele, and the tiny glass doesn’t help.

Erik didn’t find anything.

Tartare or Tar?

Miller’s Family Restaurant has one job: Get the burgers right. Most of Burger Club was fine with what they ate, but there was a common complaint about burger doneness. Rare was raw, and medium was well-done. It’s baffling how a burger joint that hasn’t figured out burgers makes so many “Best Of” lists.

This unevenly cooked burger led to no insight about our predicament.

Food Presented Poorly

Miller’s does not use plates or even baskets for their burgers. They are served on a piece of wax paper and tossed in front of you like you are Piper Chapman waiting for a Tampon on English Muffin breakfast sandwich.

For those who want onions, they are presented in a pile in the middle of the table, smorgasbord style. It’s as though they are trying to labor a divey aesthetic without understanding what that means. A dive bar is divey despite itself; Miller’s is a trust fund snot wearing distressed-style Diesel jeans and trying too hard to have an edge at a loft party to which they were not invited.

Frank was pretty into things here.

Miracle Whip? It’s A Miracle I Don’t Whip Your Ass For Offering It To Me.

Whether you’re someone like me who prefers mayonnaise with their fries, likes mayonnaise but not on your fries, or hates mayonnaise, you should resent that Miller’s offers Miracle Whip and not Mayonnaise. This is not a byproduct of aspiring to a dive theme or being a family restaurant, this is just bad taste. Though, this makes sense, people with bad taste are likely Miller’s most reliable clientele.

Want To Pay For Your Food? You’re a dick.

The tab was quite a bit more than I expected given the quality of food and service. At best, Miller’s does an adequate burger.

I waited more than ten minutes to pay cash to a yuppie jerk with his gut pushing over his belt who treated me like a nuisance even as I patiently waited in line with a stack of cash. If you go to Miller’s, I suggest you exploit their honor system by wadding up a $20.00 and throwing it at the Cash Register. They might appreciate your insolent gumption.

Scott reflecting on gnostic theism after eating.

Like Jay Leno, Miller’s Will Please The Easily Impressed

Miller’s is the Jay Leno of burger joints: Each their popularity can be attributed to the aging, undiscerning, and those easily impressed by shallow and dishonest appeals to a blue-collar sensibility.

People go to Miller’s because it’s there and presume that because it’s there that it must be good enough. Or maybe, they just fell asleep during the 11-o-clock news.

If you want a better experience, grab a Baconator on your way toWhiskey In The Jar, a true dive bar with a lovable crowd and authentic ambiance.

*Playboy Magazine defines a Dive Bar as, “A church for down-and-outers and those who romanticize them, a rare place where high and low rub elbows—bums and poets, thieves and slumming celebrities. It’s a place that wears its history proudly.”

David cries out “It’s clear that god has forsaken us!”

 

Ratings:

Burger: 3.90
Service: 3.42
Atmosphere: 3.46
Value: 3.15
Overall Rating: 3.50

David: 3.25/5

Kara: 4/5

Erik: “They claimed Medium Rare was ‘bloody’, so I got medium. Some of my burger was right, some was too well cooked. ” 3/5

Frank:  “Fries were ok. Onion rings were incredible. I liked that they didn’t use plates. The crowd was pleasant and white and boring. Smiling faces but not too much character. Extremely average architecture.” 4/5

Scott: “Great onion rings! Burger tastes great and actually cooked to order. RARE. I like the cash only honor system.” 4/5

Michelle (ordered a tuna melt): “Fries – an afterthought. Light in color. Light in flavor. No interesting shape, flavor or breading. FROM FROZEN. NOT RECENTLY A POTATO. But no hard feelings, good try. Oh wait, – but I tried a neighbor’s onion ring and those were really good.” 3/5

Jeff: “I think there’s a lot to be said about a hand-made patty, no frills required tasty burger. Ample onions and tasty pickles. Oh, and there was cheese. Beers were small, but I ordered two so it’s okay.” 4/5

Carl: “Honestly, I’m kind of underwhelmed. I expected it to be amazing from what I heard, but I found it to be adequate, better than average, but not exceptional.” 4/5

Miller’s Dive-Themed Family Restaurant
23700 Michigan ave.
Dearborn, MI 48124
www.millersbar.com

(photos via Erik and David)

Campau Tower/The Americana Eatery

Here is our overall review! Please go back and check David’s review too.

Campau Tower is an important place to a lot of people. It was always the spot to go when you were wasted and needed food before the morning – and everyone had a story to tell after going. One night, we had the saddest cook in the world, and a friend that made the mistake of ordering the most expensive thing on the menu (the 21 shrimp dinner, for around 5.00) . The silence during that meal, punctuated by loud sighs, sobered me up immensely. One of Scott’s stories involves a lot of yelling about chili, an ungodly amount of mustard on their shirts, and some blood. Needless to say, bad decisions were made before, during and after dining at the Tower.

With all that history, you can imagine the sadness and surprise when this 24 hour institution closed its doors a few months ago. The ending was abrupt – with just a sign on the door saying “closed today – end of business”. The news spread mostly through facebook – residents talked about the stealing that went on there, and the safety issues of only having one employee. But here’s the thing – they also talked about reopening it, doing the same thing but with food that wasn’t entirely frozen and cooks who gave a shit. I definitely had a few conversations about opening a taco place (which it seems everyone in the city wants).

After a couple months, it was announced that Nikita Sanchez of the popular Hamtramck establishment Rock City Eatery would be reopening Tower, with a few changes to the menu. I was excited – he had established himself in the city as a reputable person, capable of accomplishing good food for reasonable prices. The Rock City menu is always changing, and each change is a positive step. Others, however, were more skeptical- and with good reason. It’s hard to take something that I previously had described as “exactly what you expect and want it to be” and turn it around.

Three months after the building closed, and after installing some door locks, the restaurant re-opened as Campau Tower/The Americana Eatery. The menu was totally revamped. In addition to the regular Tower burger (with completely different, fresher ingredients), they now have a number of specialty hot dogs, bao bun sandwiches, hot pockets, and milkshakes. Oh, and they have a square to take credit cards. Nice. Prices rose too, but not outrageously. You can still be more than full for about 7 bucks. Although this is a far cry from the 4 dollars you might spend for a smogasbord previously, you could certainly do worse – or spend that same money at McDonald’s for something far inferior.

I’d visited a number of times before the actual review day. I had good results. I’d heard other things from other folks in the city, about food not being available, weird hours, and so on. To those people, I remind them that even at this point, they’ve only been open a month. There are always kinks to work out. Despite the naysayers, One thing I’d often heard was “It’s great for the price”.

A lot of mixed reviews, mostly positive. But we were curious – would the new and improved Tower stack up to our memories of the old one? To tackle this challenge, MCBC had a bunch of drinks, went to the bar, had more drinks, and then went to tower. We brought along Anais, a couchsurfer, and Andrew, a non-biased friend and old ELBC member from Kalamazoo, along with a regular Hamtramck crew. A few losing games of pool over at 7 Brothers Bar against George may have contributed, but the amount of drinks we had definitely put us in a weird hungry place.

Three staff were working at the time, and we came in to take over all the stools at the same time – luckily the only ones there at the time. It took a couple minutes, but after a round of waters,we all ordered our burgers with various toppings. While everyone stared at the huge flatscreen with American Horror Story playing. I am not a fan of this TV, and I think it detracts from the atmosphere of the tiny kitchen and dining area. The intimacy of the space forces you to talk to the people around you, whether you’re bored with them or not, and the TV provides a distraction from this. 

I opted for the caramelized onions and roasted peppers on my cheeseburger. Staff slapped them on the grill immediately, and although the orders came out staggered, the five of us got them in relatively short time. They come presented in a basket with wax paper. Classic. Refined. Nostalgic. No complaints here.

The toppings make the burgers pop, and they all have a squeeze of “burger sauce” on them. I don’t quite know what it is. Mayo and hot sauce? Homemade thousand island? A basic fancy sauce? Whatever it is, it is a welcome addition. Several club members echoed this sentiment, that it helped round out the burger flavor, which I thought was underwhelming.

the patties are fresh and hand-formed. The problem lies in the flavoring and crust formation- a little more salt and pepper on that patty would be a huge attraction. And I’m sure the folks that run Rock City Eatery understand the importance of the maillard reaction!  The option to get it cooked at a temperature other than medium is offered on the wall- but I’m not sure that this is what would help. A good medium for these small patties should be perfect. Instead of doing their own thing for these patties, which is awesome and encouraged in every other respect, a call back to the roots of cooking this style of burger may help things rise up from just “OK” to “fantastic”.

Don’t get me wrong –  I enjoyed this experience and the ones I’ve had before. They do a lot of really good things, the service is awesome and their concept is spot on. The bao buns and specialty hot dogs are fantastic, the toppings available for everything are super high quality, and I won’t stop talking about the pickles that they use. This is still a damn good burger! But there’s room for improvement.

All in all, Tower is killer. Across the board, the folks that attended said they would come back (5/5 all around, even from out of towners, which is unprecedented). We confirmed that the value is huge, and that you get what you pay for and then some. The late night hours are excellent and provide a service for the many bars in town and their patrons. I know that I’ll be back, and I hope the Tower builds a whole new history for itself.

(Update 2018: Tower closed after two owner changes. Dos Locos Tacos is now running out of the business and they are great!)

Ratings:

Burger: 3.76

Service: 4.03

Atmosphere: 3.63

Value: 4.49

Overall Rating: 4.020

Note: Frank and David also provided ratings in order to make the data more robust. They didn’t come with us, but ate on similar late night occasions to ours. Mark claims he had seven beers before arriving, so he declined to rate, but left his comments.

Erik: “Those pickles. Whoa. I wish I got a hot dog too.” 4/5

Andrew: “Good food, good price, great hours. The selection of toppings was a little limited but what they had was good!” 4/5

Frank: “They have an alright burger but the topings and options you get with your order make it worth coming back for. All sides/menu items are better than the burger–besides the fries. The fries are bad. Tasty hotdog options and good quility little bao bun sandwiches. Shakes!” 4.5/5

David: “Costs more than the old tower, but totally worth it.” 4.65/5 (Note: Check out David’s Standalone review on this one!)

Brett: “To sum up my thoughts, I rated most things just above average, but not quite amazing. I believe that is true, I wouldn’t say I was blown away by this experience. That said, it was a delicious experience, a convenient experience, and a well priced experience. These three magical factors add up making it an almost irresistible experience. I’m not sure I’ll ever love this place, but I find it inevitable that I will return.” 4/5

Cowboy Carl: “I was excited to see Gruyere cheese on the menu. I am glad I added bacon because the hamburger was pretty bland.The pickles were phenomenal, lettuce very fresh. Buns could be nicer, I would have liked mine slathered in butter then toasted a bit crisp. Chili Cheese fries were pretty dang good. Good place for late night drunk munchies and brunch hot dogs (I want to try the breakfast hot dog)” 3.65/5

Mark: “EVERYTHING WAS GOOD.
I HAD LIKE 7 BEERS BEFORE HAND, I DONT REMEMBER MUCH, I JUST REMEMBER ENJOYING EVERYTHING.
THE BUNS WERE GREAT.
THE FRIES WERE REALLY HOT.
I HAD A WATER, LOTS OF ICE CUBES. THEY HAD A PITCHER FOR ME TO POUR.” I DONT KNOW OUT OF FIVE

Campau Tower/The Americana Eatery
10337 Joseph Campau
Hamtramck, MI, 48212
(313) 265-3694
(Photo Credits: Jason Friedmann + Watson, Erik, Mark)

David’s Take on Campau Tower

David, ELBC and MCBC founder and member, came to Hamtramck recently, and after the rest of us squares went to sleep, he sauntered over to Tower for some food. Obviously this man cares about hamburgers, and we’d certainly talked it up enough.

David provided a review of his experience. I’m going to share that with you, and then the full review sheet that he filled out, so you get an idea of what kind of methods we use to rate. It’s not all willy-nilly, trust me. I’ve been honing this data system for years now! David’s numbers are included in the rest of the club numbers, so it will reflect how we all felt about it! 

Enjoy, and then check out our full review!

-Erik

I had been to Campau Tower before it was reinvented. I was sad to hear it had closed, because it was a short walk from Whiskey In The Jar, where my evening always necessitates a greasy burger or slice of pizza.

In early September, I had what I thought was successful job interview at Quicken. To celebrate and calm my nerves after driving on the Lodge, I embarked upon an evening of High Lifes at Whiskey, Motor City IPAs at the Moose Lodge, and several cans of Miller Lite at Erik’s house. Erik was doing homework and I was reading A Study In Scarlet before I passed out to Miles Davis at nearly 11 PM. I woke up at 2 am after Erik and Scott had gone to bed. Going to a bar was out of the question because of intrusive government regulations, so I finished my warming Miller Lite and went the New Tower.

Almost every seat was taken past 2 am on a Monday evening. As Zoolander played on the newly installed flat television, there were four policeman from Hamtramck P.D. who looked like they were barely old enough to drink. They were pitching ideas for Homemade Hotpockets, which is on the menu at the New Tower. She obliged by constructing one filled with Mac & Cheese, which is off the menu. Others in attendance included a sextigenarian Polish man, and an otherwise innocuous gentrifying hipster.

H.H.P.D. (Hamtramck Hot Pocket Department)

I ordered a bacon cheeseburger with an over-medium fried egg and and a vanilla milkshake. I would normally go for chocolate, but they were out. I had never enjoyed a vanilla shake before, but I did this time.

Not only was my burger superior to what the old tower offered, it is the best cheeseburger I’d had in a very long time. It wasn’t particularly complex, which is normally an artifact for an excellent, satisfying burger. I entered hungry and left happy; I will return.

Name: David
Restaurant: New Tower

Burger: 
What did you order?: Bacon cheeseburger with an over-medium fried egg. Also, a vanilla milkshake. I wanted chocolate, but they were out. It was still good.
Doneness/cooked to Order: I don’t remember if I specified, but I didn’t object. 5/5
Freshness/Quality of Toppings: Way better than the old incarnation of Tower, it was very fresh indeed. 4.999991/5
Bun: Very good, toasted. 4/5
Food Price: More than the old tower, but totally worth it. 3.77/5
Drink Price: I don’t remember, but it was fine. 3.5/5
Patty Seasoning/Flavor: Just right. 5/5
Presentation : Simple. 3.5/5
Sides: None.

Service:
Speed: It about what one could expect from a packed house with a small grill. They started my burger before I finished my order. 4/5
Likability of waiter/waitress: She was very pleasant and engaging. 4/5
Accommodation of special requests: I don’t think I made any, but they made a Mac & Cheese Hot Pocket for a Cop, so I think they are pretty open minded and eager to please. 5/5

Atmosphere: 
Appearance: Fine. 3.5/5
Ambiance: Fine. 3.5/6
Crowd: Diverse, kind of weird, but good. 3.99/5
Cleanliness: 5/5

Likelihood of returning: 5/5 (Not even a question)
Overall VALUE: 3.5
Overall Rating: 4.65/5

Stay tuned for the main post!

(Photos from David and Erik.)

Motor City Sports Bar

Although MCBC loves to review burgers all over the metropolitan area, we often like to stay around home and enjoy the 25+ bars that we have in our 2.2 square mile city of Hamtramck. Most bars in the city do not serve food, but instead allow patrons to bring in their own food to eat while drinking. However, there are a small handful that serve good food to the hungry weird drunks of Hamtramck. A few include burgers on the menu, including Kelly’s, New Dodge Lounge, and Motor City Sports Bar.

After an informal survey of the best burgers in the entire metropolitan area amongst Hamtramck residents, many of them pointed to Motor City Sports Bar. We had often heard the burgers were the best in the city- but all of metro Detroit?

Many of our members are not strangers to Motor City Sports Bar. The bar has provided life-saving sustenance during long Paczki day beer treks and other bar crawls, and was the venue for us to watch the most recent MSU victory over UM in football. The drinks have always been cheap, and the bartenders friendly.  Although bias certainly comes into play in our proud enclave of Detroit, MCBC aims to find the truth.

We arrived on a Saturday about 5:30 pm, after a walk through some slush that left Carl wishing that he had worn real boots. Luckily, after having dealt with winter weather for two months already, the rest of us came prepared for the miniscule five block walk and arrived with dry feet. The bar was sparsely populated at this hour, with a few people having drinks and a couple playing darts in the back. Some classic rock played on the internet jukebox (which are the worst, but that is a different story) at a level that would have annoyed your parents.

Carl described the place pretty well when he wrote that it is “Very much like a sports bar.” For a typical sports bar, it is kept clean, and I might describe it as borderline classy. Despite the well-kept appearance, it still has all the normal sports bar things. Several flat screen TVs are arranged above the bar, usually set to different games. The back room holds the largest TV, two pool tables, a foosball table (one of the only foos tables in Hamtramck), two electronic dartboards, and a couple small tables to eat or  rest drinks on while playing pool. After surveying the bar compared to the others in the city, I realized that ALL Hamtramck bars have video poker machines. Who is still playing these things? Why do they need more than one? Does Danny D have anything to do with it?

Scott thinks about the best way to hit the 8-ball in early, as is his wont.

Smoking is allowed inside, and several patrons sat at the bar with an ashtray. As a person who likes the occasional indoor cigarette, I am not as turned off by smoke inside as others may be. Unlike many other bars, however, the permeating tobacco smell is minimal and does not detract from other sensory experiences. For bars that serve food and allow smoking, the filtration system in place here should be mandatory. Those 40 year old Smokeeters don’t quite do the trick. It’s possible that the smoking in some bars in Hamtramck may slow down or cease- all bars were recently informed by the police of public act 188 (again), which bans smoking in all michigan restaurants and bars. Knowing the stubbornness of the people in the city, I doubt this will stick. We’re gonna smoke where we want to.

The locale is a huge part of what the bar is – in any other location, it would be a regular sports bar. In Hamtramck, it weaves into the fabric of the city and becomes a meeting place for the clientele of many cultures. You’ll see people stopping in from the Painted Lady, a notorious punk bar, or the New Dodge Lounge, which also has frequent live shows. Others traipse across town from mosques, distant bars, or block club meetings. Some patrons speak English as a second or third language.  I’ve seen soccer matches of non-American teams on their flatscreens, and I know a handful of people that come just to enjoy the Bosnian specialities on the menu . It wouldn’t be out of the question to expect a CFL game or a cricket match to be playing on the TVs, either — the conglomeration of weirdos that come here make for a uniquely Hamtramck experience.

Upon arrival, we were greeted promptly by the bartender, who got us set up with a pitcher of beer ($5 for Molson or Labatt light, $1 for a single 12oz pour) and some cold mugs.  Blue moon glasses are also offered for $2, and the bar has a full array of mixed drinks. A downside of Motor City is the lack of any kind of craft brews. In a state that is becoming more and more well-known for their fantastic craft beers, this is nearly inexcusable. The closest they come is a Sam Adam’s Boston Lager, which doesn’t quite cut it. Of course, they do have the otherwise full range of boring domestic lagers and pilseners, and a cold Canadian beer will certainly hit the spot. Unfortunately, my Molson order was denied, as the keg had recently blown. Carl expressed his disappointment and maybe a little bit of contempt,  but we got Labatt light instead. For $5 per 64 oz pitcher, who can complain?

A potential problem was introduced when a couple of members came in with coffee from Cafe 1923, the local coffeeshop.  One of the waitresses came to talk to them, and informed them that no outside beverages were allowed (obviously) but gave them approval to drink their coffee discreetly.  It was a mostly pleasant interaction and was handled well by staff.

Our server remained attentive and prompt throughout the service, bringing us new pitchers and picking up baskets and condiments when we were finished. Most of us thought the service was good, except for Scott. He was told his dollar coin was “collectable”, and he spent a minute or two harumphing about it.  The consistent waitressing at Motor City was in stark contrast to the bipolar service we received at Miller’s Family Restaurant (a story for another time). We played a few games of pool, and then got around to getting hungry.

Cevapi pita and onion rings. Delicious!

The menu is pretty small, but covers bar basics – Burgers, Chicken, and a bunch of fried foods. It also has several chevapi options. For those of you who don’t know, chevapi (or ćevapi) is a skinless Bosnian sausage made of minced beef and seasoning. You can get the plate ($8.75-12.50 depending on number of sausages, with salad and bread) or the chevapi pita ($6.00) – which includes swiss and american cheese, tomato, and onion.

Although our club was formed to pay homage to the glory of beef patties, we often bring along a vegetarian to evaluate the other options. French fries (seasoned waffle fries or steak fries) and other fried foods are the only option for vegetarians – but luckily for Pescatarian Michelle, they also include a fish sandwich and shrimp on the menu.

Burger options are limited to four choices – hamburger ($5.50), cheeseburger ($6), bacon cheeseburger (7.25), and the bacon, mushroom and swiss burger (7.75). They all come with lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles and mayo. Frank was later disappointed that they didn’t ask him if he wanted mayo before putting it on his burger.  If he had read the menu before he ordered, he may have realized it was standard.

MCSB uses half pound hand-packed patties, char-broiled on the grill. The bartender will make sure to ask you how you want it cooked – in a city that uses a lot of frozen foods and cost-cutting shortcuts, this is a delight. On a later reconnaissance mission, the owner told me that they get their meat freshly ground daily from Eastern Market, and use their own “special seasoning blend”. The cheeseburger comes standard with American cheese, but they will also give you swiss if you ask. The buns, like the beef,is also sourced locally, and made at Metropolitan bakery located on the south end of Hamtramck, just a few blocks away.

On their specials and drink board, they include the addendum: ”Add egg or garlic bread to any order: .75, jalapenos .50, marinara .50.” These possibilities would have likely sparked David’s creative side, but he wasn’t there, and none of us went this route. I ordered the bacon cheeseburger, cooked medium rare with everything on it, and a side of seasoned waffle fries.

The burgers are served open faced in a basket with wax paper, and fries in separate baskets.  I was impressed with the colors on display from my burger. The vegetables looked fresh and recently cut, the patty wasn’t too greasy or dry, and the bun was pretty standard, but still intact. I’m thankful I went for the half order of fries ($2.50 instead of the regular $4 whole order) with my cheeseburger, as the patty was huge and the meal left me feeling stuffed.  The half pound burgers promised by the bartender may have actually been bigger. I’m pretty sure they don’t use a scale – the cook was heavy handed on this day (lucky us!)

My burger was exceptional.  Thick bacon slices lay on top, with a perfect saltiness to contrast with the cheese and mayo. The patty was as it looked- minimally seasoned, but with an incredible beefy taste that remained juicy throughout the meal. I expect their seasoning blend was little more than a light dusting of salt and pepper, as anything else would be lost in the flavor of the cooked beef. Condiments were unnecessary, although I did add a bit of mustard for good measure.  Visual inspection and textural contrast provided no clues whether or not the bun was toasted beforehand. Mine stayed together, but Frank reported that his did not fare as well.

Mysterious and hungry, Tara clutches her burger like the grail.

I found the toppings to be fresh and crisp, but up against a lighter protein, they may not have fared so well. Michelle was happy with her fish sandwich, except for the tomatoes, which she described as: “pretty terrible as far as tomatoes go.”

On the side,  the seasoned waffle fries were crisp and salty. They were cooked as waffle fries should be, and fulfilled their purpose. The steak fries, however,  were not as revered. They should have been crispier, as we all know there’s nothing sadder than a limp fry.

Somewhere during our meal, the volume increased and the music changed – somebody put on some bad pop music we could barely speak over. If your parents were annoyed before, they would have definitely left by now. The music volume turns out to be one of the bar’s biggest downfalls.  I perked up when I heard a social distortion song followed by a replacements song, but my mood again turned sour when the musical tyranny of bad R&B continued.

Scott and I had a victorious foosball game and a couple more pitchers before the group paid our more than reasonable tabs. We walked away from the bar full and satisfied, and left the Hamtramckans to their own devices.

(note: this was written at the beginning of the year. There is still no smoking in the bar. The music is still too loud. The burgers are just as good.)

Ratings:

Burger: 4.06

Service: 3.92

Atmosphere: 2.94

Value: 4.25

Overall Rating: 3.82

(Although MCBC didn’t get the highest ratings for the restaurant, it has the highest so far for the burger alone – just a bit above Cutter’s! Nice!)

Michelle: “The Fish was great!” 4/5

Carl: “The burger was hella good, like, really good burger. Huge, good toppings, REAL bacon. I would definitely come back for a burger here. Just wish they had better beer.” 5/5

Scott: “Good place to watch a  game. Would not bring parents here.” 4/5

Tara: “Meat and cheese were perfect. Bun was meh. I felt terrible that I could only eat half because it was too much. “ 3/5

Frank: “Great burger, cooked just how I like it. It fell apart though, too big for bun. Almost perfect…” 4.5/5

Erik: “A few things detract from an otherwise awesome experience.” 5/5

Motor City Sports Bar

9122 Joseph Campau Ave

Hamtramck, MI

(313) 875-4710

(Photo credits go to Erik and Frank)