“Why Are We Here?” & “What Do I Want?” are More Than Intellectual Navel Gazing at Royal Oak’s Redcoat Tavern
by David Tibergien
Approaching Redcoat Tavern northbound on a sparely developed suburban stretch of Woodward Avenue in Oakland County, I actively scanned the East and West for something that might inspire me to return to the area at a time I wasn’t hungry.
It felt obvious that even if they scored well on every other MCBC metric, Redcoat Tavern would be defined largely by its location.
The parking lot, accessed from across a roadside pumpkin/hay-bale/decorative gourd pop-up, was unusually cramped for such an uncongested part of Royal Oak.
Vehicles in Redcoat’s lot included a red Mercedes-Benz convertible, a BMW 7-Series, and premium Cadillac and Lincoln models. This had been the first clue about Redcoat’s Clientele: They are affluent and didn’t walk, either because they are too old or because the area is pedestrian-hostile.
Thanks to Google Maps, clear Mid-October weather, and a superior playlist that facilitated superb driving, I arrived nearly an hour before everyone else.
I explored the area, lurching by foot north on Woodward along an unnavigable plane of unplanned suburban sprawl.
After passing a Sprint Store, Vitamin Shoppe, Pier 1 Imports, and Potbelly Sandwich Shop, I arrived at Joe’s Army Navy, a surplus store filled with older teens and young adults piecing together Halloween costumes.
After considering that a USAF coverall flight-suit might be a great start toward masquerading as a Ghostbuster, I realized that the next generation of Ghostbusters will be women and I’m not confident I’d pull off drag.
I lost my enthusiasm and went back to Redcoat to sit at the bar.
Inside, patrons are rescued from the darkness only by an enveloping crimson glow one imagines Lucifer might use to set the mood when he wants to get laid. Also, the glow of College Football from several large televisions.
“The dark reddish hue inside was too much for me on a sunny day. It felt like being inside a casino with a lack of natural light,” said Dave, and automobile sales representative from Royal Oak.
A pair of married women free of their young children sat at the bar. They each looked as though they rode up in one of the more posh vehicles I’d noticed in the lot. They ordered burgers and particularly expensive bottles of beer some time before they were joined by their husbands.
The bartender was the sort you encounter in a high-end steakhouse: older, male, knowledgeable, and lightly conversational. After he overheard me telling Erik that I’d found Southern Tier’s Pumking to be a rare miss for the Lakewood, NY brewery, the bartender asked me if I had tried their Harvest Ale. I reported that I hadn’t, and he was ready with a sample within seconds, which compelled me to enjoy a full pint.
“It’s rare for a bartender to offer a sample without an explicit questioning,” said Erik, Motor City Burger Club co-founder. “Especially at a bar that is not especially known for their draft list.”
When more of MCBC arrived, we were seated seven feet from the bar at fused tables.
This was slightly disappointing given the allure of Redcoat’s plush, quilted vinyl booths. This is an upholstery one usually sees at Italian restaurants in crime dramas starring short-fused mobsters who tip generously.
Unfortunately, College Football Saturday is a poor time to be picky about seating at this place. In fact, MCBC was extraordinarily lucky to eat within two-and-a-half hours of our arrival, as Redcoat is notorious for wait times so long, no food or drink is worth it.
“No Menu Is Complete Enough To Prevent Your Will From Being Thwarted By Countless, Inconceivable Antecedents” – Dave Thomas, Founder of Wendy’s.
It might be advisable to go to Redcoat at its busiest, because you’ll need some time to choose between: two vegan-hostile proteins, three patties, six varieties of bun, seven sauces, nine cheeses, and 12 produce toppings. Plus “blackened”, which is counted as a topping, but doesn’t fit into any category above.
Erik worked out the math, and Motor City Burger Club can verify that works out to 206,158,430,208 potential combinations. [(λ = σ²∗/ ( σ²η + σ²∗)}
This might appeal to a lot of people who feel like the maximum number of choices will result in the greatest amount of satisfaction for the most amount of people. However, science tells us otherwise.
Constructing a burger from their vast, disparate choices on a poorly designed menu can take time, exhaust your creative imagination, and disrupt your executive function. In effect, Redcoat is assuring the unhappiness of it customers.
If you don’t go into Redcoat Tavern with some idea of what you want, you may require expensive and painful mental health counseling before you can resume a normal, functioning life. But, that isn’t the only problem here.
“They do not list burger add-on prices,it just says, ‘some items have an extra charge’. As a very cheap person, this is frustrating,” said Sala, a Hazel Park Account Executive. “But they did not skimp on the ranch.”
I nearly gave up on constructing the Diable Franco Déjeuner , and capitulated to the easy choice of the Brasserie Burger, Redcoat’s signature.
With Erik’s encouragement, I saw it through. I’m glad I did, because I was able to fashion an unusual and satisfying gastric assemblage against the odds.
The baguette was fresh and perfectly toasted, the ghost pepper cheese had legitimate heat, and the toppings were fresh and high quality.
Unfortunately, my satisfaction wasn’t shared by all of MCBC.
“The burger had problems with construction. It did not stay together. The bun was not toasted and the bottom bun was soggy,” said Carl, a CAD Designer from Hamtramck. “The toppings and cheese carried the burger to a favorable rating.”
Erik had good things to say about his Clam Chowder, which you can read in his upcoming post on this other blog.
Redcoat’s traditional burger accompaniments are split. The onion rings appeared to be prepared from scratch on premises. Erik reports that this is also true of the ranch dressing, which was popular for dipping because most of MCBC is from the Midwest.
Redcoat’s sweet potato fries were praised while their traditional fries were thin, pale, and uninteresting. However, they did allow me a generous portion of mayonnaise.
“One’s burger always comes too soon or too late. And yet, burgers are there, finished: the line is drawn, and it must all be added up. You are nothing other than your burger” – Amanda, our server.
Before going to Redcoat Tavern, I solicited opinions from a number of people who were better acquainted. Almost everyone gave a response akin to, “Redcoat? Yeah, the food is good, but –”. And then they couldn’t finish the thought.
For me, it’s this: The food is good, but that location. Not crazy about the crowd either.
If I hadn’t brought MCBC with me, I would have contended exclusively with aging bros and their parents, wives, and children –folks who looked not only as though they were Donald Trump voters, but that they might be biologically related to him as well.
It’s important to mention Motor City Burger Club rated this place very highly. The burgers themselves ranked 2/15 and an overall ranking of 3/15.
That doesn’t surprise me, because everything is good, but– I don’t think when members score on “Likelihood of Returning” that it is the same as praise for the location, which I think should be a separate metric.
However, if Redcoat’s location were a problem for most of MCBC, it would have come through the scores or their sentiment. I think it sucks, no one else cares. Almost no one.
“The issue with the location isn’t that unusual in Metro Detroit and there are a lot of things worth going out of the way for,” said Erik. “For me, it’s not worth driving to the suburbs to wait in line for the usual 20-60 minutes for what they offer, but it’s a good place to bring my family when they visit”.
As though the place wasn’t distressing enough.
Ratings:
Burger: 4.17
Service: 4.58
Atmosphere: 3.77
Value: 3.83
Overall Rating: 4.076
Bonnie – 4/5
Carl – 3.75/5
Dave C – 5/5
David T – 4/5
Erik – 4/5
Sala – 4/5
Redcoat Tavern
31452 Woodward Ave.
Royal Oak, MI 48073
(248) 549-0300
Motor City Burger Club 
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