Dive Bar Service, Chain Restaurant Food, Farm-To-Table Prices.
(another post from David! Hopefully we see more of his stuff up here soon. -Erik)
House Of Swill Repute
Miller’s Bar makes a lot of “Best Of” burger lists, but don’t drink the Kool-Aid. On second thought, if they put Kool-Aid on the menu, order it, because it is probably more satisfying than their beer selection.
Miller’s is a family restaurant trying to live up to a theme, like Bubba Gump’s or Dick’s, only the people who run Miller’s are real-life slow-witted assholes.
Everyone should appreciate a clean restaurant. After all, restrooms stenched with urine, tables carved with swastikas, and the high probability of being challenged to a fight in the parking lot doesn’tnecessarily make a dining experience better.
However, Miller’s Bar isn’t what it says it is and the aesthetic was the first sign that they weren’t going to live up to their embellished reputation.
Though Miller’s calls itself a dive bar*, the inside better resembles an Airport TGIFridays. This was probably comfortable and preferable for the white haired boomer on his Bluetooth ignoring his family and the zip-fleece adorned couple with an infant seated in a high-chair.
The Eight Tops
The server who seated Kara and I was amenable, helping us fuse two four-top tables for the eight people due to attend. Unfortunately, she was at the end of her shift and the server who replaced her perfectly embodied Miller’s Bar’s smug discourteousness and unjustified sense of self-importance.
Server #2 crassly listed Miller’s few menu items, apparently prideful about its limitations in her embittered and gravelly voice, as though to say, “why don’t you know this already?”.
Inglorious Beerstards
Even dive bars in Michigan have a Michigan beer on tap, especially in Metro Detroit.
Unfortunately, the only draft Miller’s offers (that isn’t more popularly consumed while camping with your Confederate Flag apologist redneck uncle) was a Leinenkugel Snowdrift Vanilla Porter. I suppose that is pretty divey, but by that same token the Novi Red Lobster is also a dive bar.
To Miller’s discredit, Finley’s American Grill, a small chain of family steak restaurants in Michigan, offers a better selection of Michigan Craft Beer. Even by family restaurant standards, Miller’s fails at beer.
Modestly redeemed, Miller’s Family Restaurant offered Bell’s seasonal Winter White Ale in bottles, which is served alongside a very tiny glass that encourages savoring.This is a principle I normally welcome, but one better enjoyed with a view of Piazza San Marco orthe 8th arrondissement and feels somewhat incompatible with a large television showing an NFL Playoff game in a Dearborn Family Restaurant. Also, you need to get a buzz on to tolerate the servers and clientele, and the tiny glass doesn’t help.
Tartare or Tar?
Miller’s Family Restaurant has one job: Get the burgers right. Most of Burger Club was fine with what they ate, but there was a common complaint about burger doneness. Rare was raw, and medium was well-done. It’s baffling how a burger joint that hasn’t figured out burgers makes so many “Best Of” lists.
Food Presented Poorly
Miller’s does not use plates or even baskets for their burgers. They are served on a piece of wax paper and tossed in front of you like you are Piper Chapman waiting for a Tampon on English Muffin breakfast sandwich.
For those who want onions, they are presented in a pile in the middle of the table, smorgasbord style. It’s as though they are trying to labor a divey aesthetic without understanding what that means. A dive bar is divey despite itself; Miller’s is a trust fund snot wearing distressed-style Diesel jeans and trying too hard to have an edge at a loft party to which they were not invited.
Miracle Whip? It’s A Miracle I Don’t Whip Your Ass For Offering It To Me.
Whether you’re someone like me who prefers mayonnaise with their fries, likes mayonnaise but not on your fries, or hates mayonnaise, you should resent that Miller’s offers Miracle Whip and not Mayonnaise. This is not a byproduct of aspiring to a dive theme or being a family restaurant, this is just bad taste. Though, this makes sense, people with bad taste are likely Miller’s most reliable clientele.
Want To Pay For Your Food? You’re a dick.
The tab was quite a bit more than I expected given the quality of food and service. At best, Miller’s does an adequate burger.
I waited more than ten minutes to pay cash to a yuppie jerk with his gut pushing over his belt who treated me like a nuisance even as I patiently waited in line with a stack of cash. If you go to Miller’s, I suggest you exploit their honor system by wadding up a $20.00 and throwing it at the Cash Register. They might appreciate your insolent gumption.
Like Jay Leno, Miller’s Will Please The Easily Impressed
Miller’s is the Jay Leno of burger joints: Each their popularity can be attributed to the aging, undiscerning, and those easily impressed by shallow and dishonest appeals to a blue-collar sensibility.
People go to Miller’s because it’s there and presume that because it’s there that it must be good enough. Or maybe, they just fell asleep during the 11-o-clock news.
If you want a better experience, grab a Baconator on your way toWhiskey In The Jar, a true dive bar with a lovable crowd and authentic ambiance.
*Playboy Magazine defines a Dive Bar as, “A church for down-and-outers and those who romanticize them, a rare place where high and low rub elbows—bums and poets, thieves and slumming celebrities. It’s a place that wears its history proudly.”
Burger: 3.90
Service: 3.42
Atmosphere: 3.46
Value: 3.15
Overall Rating: 3.50
David: 3.25/5
Kara: 4/5
Erik: “They claimed Medium Rare was ‘bloody’, so I got medium. Some of my burger was right, some was too well cooked. ” 3/5
Frank: “Fries were ok. Onion rings were incredible. I liked that they didn’t use plates. The crowd was pleasant and white and boring. Smiling faces but not too much character. Extremely average architecture.” 4/5
Scott: “Great onion rings! Burger tastes great and actually cooked to order. RARE. I like the cash only honor system.” 4/5
Michelle (ordered a tuna melt): “Fries – an afterthought. Light in color. Light in flavor. No interesting shape, flavor or breading. FROM FROZEN. NOT RECENTLY A POTATO. But no hard feelings, good try. Oh wait, – but I tried a neighbor’s onion ring and those were really good.” 3/5
Jeff: “I think there’s a lot to be said about a hand-made patty, no frills required tasty burger. Ample onions and tasty pickles. Oh, and there was cheese. Beers were small, but I ordered two so it’s okay.” 4/5
Carl: “Honestly, I’m kind of underwhelmed. I expected it to be amazing from what I heard, but I found it to be adequate, better than average, but not exceptional.” 4/5
Miller’s Dive-Themed Family Restaurant
23700 Michigan ave.
Dearborn, MI 48124
www.millersbar.com
(photos via Erik and David)
Motor City Burger Club 
OMG, in the day this was our favorite burger place..people lined up, at least on warmer days, as far as the parking lot, to partake in this awesome goodness. No plates, who needs them? Someone else must own this place as again, in the day, the only menu item was “burgers” with or without cheese, fries or potato chips. Given today’s price for the enormous burger one could not complain it was too expensive. Burgers were consistently served to order. The honor system? Who does that ? it’s a wonderful thing. We luved Millers and give it a 5 thumbs up…in the day, at least. We haven’t eaten there in approx. 9 yrs. PS: Hi Erik